No bullshit excuses here, but I HAVE been really busy.
School has been killing me softly with it's song, but I'm smarter than I was when I started. Fortunately, the semester is finally over on Friday and I can take some deep breaths and relax for a few months. Or a few weeks, when I find myself bored and twitchy and sign up for a summer class. Either way I'm looking forward to a break.
Boy Wonder turned fourteen the 29th of April. I'm alternating between weeping because my baby is almost grown and chanting "Four more years! FOUR MORE YEARS!!" when he's being a thorn in my side as fourteen year old boys are wont to do. Today is a "FOUR MORE YEARS!" day, but that likely has a lot to do with a generally crank-assed disposition on my part. Let's hear it for minor gynecological surgery as a buzzkill!
Did I mention that Microbiology can pretty much go screw itself? Because it totally can.
I need to finish the Defcon 5 level exam due tomorrow afternoon, but first I totally need some food and "The Simpsons" as a palate cleanser. What have you guys been up to? Is there anything you're just dying to hear me babble about? Leave me a comment and let me know.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Things That Make Me Believe In Jesus, Volume One
I WAS going to tell you all about this really funny site I found through Attila the Mom called F*** my life
I WAS going to show you all some of the funnier stories I read on the site.
I WAS going to make you laugh and be happy because that's me. I'm a giver.
However, the app to import the funny, funny stories to hither from thither gave me the logo five times instead.
F*** my life, indeed. :P
I WAS going to show you all some of the funnier stories I read on the site.
I WAS going to make you laugh and be happy because that's me. I'm a giver.
However, the app to import the funny, funny stories to hither from thither gave me the logo five times instead.
F*** my life, indeed. :P
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Why I Love My Job: Number 1937
I get to read things like these in physician's notes:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
I'm guilty of thinking number six upon occasion. :)
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
I'm guilty of thinking number six upon occasion. :)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Liking "Ghost Hunters" Does Not Mean That I Am One
Scene: Friendly Neighborhood Workplace
Time: 3 a.m. or so.
Cast of Characters: Blonde nursing student and Brunette Nurses One and Two.
It should be noted that at work we carry phones to make it easier to answer patient calls in a timely manner. I was assisting a patient who is now known as The Woman I Hope To Be When I Retire. She and I were chatting and eating tiny Twix bars (the patients who feed me treats earn a special place in my heart) when my phone rang. She said something to the effect of "I better let you get back to work" and I bid her farewell to answer the call.
Blondie: "Can I help you?"
Caller: ::silence::
I came out of the room, and Brunette Nurse One was laughing at me.
BN 1: "There isn't even anyone in that room!"
At this point, I decided to be a smart ass. The call light had been switched in a way that required me going into the room to turn it off, and I did. But before I left, the smart ass in me decided to channel my inner "Ghost Hunter". Because I do love me some Steve Gonsalves.
Blondie: "Is there anyone in this room? Would you like to speak with me? Can you show me a sign of your presence?"
The call light turned itself on again.
There was no one in that room except me. Well, no one I could see anyhow.
BN 1 wasn't laughing anymore, and BN 2 looked like she might pee herself.
Whoever said big girls can't move fast has obviously never seen me moving when something has spooked the hell out of me in the early hours of the morning. After I hit the button on the wall that turned tht infernal light off, "vaulting the nurses station" is a pretty accurate description of my exit strategy.
Oh, and I may have flung the words "Get thee behind me, Satan!" over my shoulder as I did my little wind sprint.
Needless to say, a few co-workers have taken to gleefully tormenting me by asking me when I plan on auditioning for "Ghost Hunters".
But hey, they've gotten freaked out by the paranormal, too:
Duuuuude, run! :)
Time: 3 a.m. or so.
Cast of Characters: Blonde nursing student and Brunette Nurses One and Two.
It should be noted that at work we carry phones to make it easier to answer patient calls in a timely manner. I was assisting a patient who is now known as The Woman I Hope To Be When I Retire. She and I were chatting and eating tiny Twix bars (the patients who feed me treats earn a special place in my heart) when my phone rang. She said something to the effect of "I better let you get back to work" and I bid her farewell to answer the call.
Blondie: "Can I help you?"
Caller: ::silence::
I came out of the room, and Brunette Nurse One was laughing at me.
BN 1: "There isn't even anyone in that room!"
At this point, I decided to be a smart ass. The call light had been switched in a way that required me going into the room to turn it off, and I did. But before I left, the smart ass in me decided to channel my inner "Ghost Hunter". Because I do love me some Steve Gonsalves.
Blondie: "Is there anyone in this room? Would you like to speak with me? Can you show me a sign of your presence?"
The call light turned itself on again.
There was no one in that room except me. Well, no one I could see anyhow.
BN 1 wasn't laughing anymore, and BN 2 looked like she might pee herself.
Whoever said big girls can't move fast has obviously never seen me moving when something has spooked the hell out of me in the early hours of the morning. After I hit the button on the wall that turned tht infernal light off, "vaulting the nurses station" is a pretty accurate description of my exit strategy.
Oh, and I may have flung the words "Get thee behind me, Satan!" over my shoulder as I did my little wind sprint.
Needless to say, a few co-workers have taken to gleefully tormenting me by asking me when I plan on auditioning for "Ghost Hunters".
But hey, they've gotten freaked out by the paranormal, too:
Duuuuude, run! :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
Why I Hate Nature
As you may know, in the past six months I seem to be plagued with vaguely pathological illnesses of an almost biblical level of pestilence. Some say that it's just a bad year to be sick. Still others say I'm genetically predisposed to catch whatever germs are making the rounds. Personally, I wonder if making agar plates of potentially oog-causing microbes in my Microbiology class is the factor behind my most recent plague. Either way, I've been a whole lotta sicky and I don't like it.
Because my most recent disease (The Dread Sinus Infection Roberts) had me feeling as if I would either A-pass out from the pain and pressure or B-throw up from the rushing fluids when I lifted my head an inch or two off the pillow or couch cushion, I was pretty effectively homebound until my wonderful, amazing antibiotics started kicking some bacterium ass. I don't do well with "homebound" and would make a really bad shut-in. Needless to say, by the time I felt better I was ready to move. I didn't care where, just a change of scenery posthaste would be amazing. So I decided to take a short walk. If nothing else was accomplished by it, maybe I could swap out some of my microbial infestation for clean, fresh air and healing energy.
I laced up my Nikes, put on my coat and gloves, stuffed my phone in my hoodie pocket and headed out the door. We've had some really nice weather here lately so the sidewalks are actually passable, and even though the air was cold it smelled vaguely springy. I had to stop every twenty paces or so to blow my nose, but at that point I wasn't complaining. I was upright, outside and feeling pretty human. Nothing in the world could bring me down!
I've always joked that if you expect the worst, you'll be pleased by the best. My trip to the Great Outdoors may have gone better if I'd remembered that particular mantra.
About ten minutes after I left my house, I paused under a pine tree to blow my nose for about the fiftieth time. Halfway into my nasal trumpet rendition of "Ave Maria", something fuzzy yet vaguely solid and sinister-feeling hit the side of my head, bounced off my shoulder and landed at my side. When I looked down to see what had assaulted me via the heavens, I screamed like a horror movie star being disemboweled by an ice pick and didn't let up for what felt like fifteen minutes.
It was a dead squirrel.
A dead. Squirrel. AND IT HAD LANDED ON MY HEAD.
I kicked out my foot and did a speedy about face for home, doing a half-running fat girl hybrid waddle that left my fillings rattled and my nose dripping a snot faucet that rivaled Niagara Falls in both duration and intensity. Once I was deadbolted behind the door and safe from any more assaults by dead falling tree rats, I stripped off my clothes and tossed them into the basement, ran through the house (taking out at least one cat in the commute) and jumped into the shower. I cranked the water up as hot as I could stand it and scrubbed until I was sure I'd eradicated any and all traces of Hanta virus, mange, rabies or whatever had transformed the poor creature from "alive and kicking" to "deceased and falling out of trees onto innocent pedestrians" from my person.
To make matters worse, that night Boy Wonder brought home a note saying someone in his class has head lice. I may never feel completely clean or stop itching within the confines of this lifetime.
Because my most recent disease (The Dread Sinus Infection Roberts) had me feeling as if I would either A-pass out from the pain and pressure or B-throw up from the rushing fluids when I lifted my head an inch or two off the pillow or couch cushion, I was pretty effectively homebound until my wonderful, amazing antibiotics started kicking some bacterium ass. I don't do well with "homebound" and would make a really bad shut-in. Needless to say, by the time I felt better I was ready to move. I didn't care where, just a change of scenery posthaste would be amazing. So I decided to take a short walk. If nothing else was accomplished by it, maybe I could swap out some of my microbial infestation for clean, fresh air and healing energy.
I laced up my Nikes, put on my coat and gloves, stuffed my phone in my hoodie pocket and headed out the door. We've had some really nice weather here lately so the sidewalks are actually passable, and even though the air was cold it smelled vaguely springy. I had to stop every twenty paces or so to blow my nose, but at that point I wasn't complaining. I was upright, outside and feeling pretty human. Nothing in the world could bring me down!
I've always joked that if you expect the worst, you'll be pleased by the best. My trip to the Great Outdoors may have gone better if I'd remembered that particular mantra.
About ten minutes after I left my house, I paused under a pine tree to blow my nose for about the fiftieth time. Halfway into my nasal trumpet rendition of "Ave Maria", something fuzzy yet vaguely solid and sinister-feeling hit the side of my head, bounced off my shoulder and landed at my side. When I looked down to see what had assaulted me via the heavens, I screamed like a horror movie star being disemboweled by an ice pick and didn't let up for what felt like fifteen minutes.
It was a dead squirrel.
A dead. Squirrel. AND IT HAD LANDED ON MY HEAD.
I kicked out my foot and did a speedy about face for home, doing a half-running fat girl hybrid waddle that left my fillings rattled and my nose dripping a snot faucet that rivaled Niagara Falls in both duration and intensity. Once I was deadbolted behind the door and safe from any more assaults by dead falling tree rats, I stripped off my clothes and tossed them into the basement, ran through the house (taking out at least one cat in the commute) and jumped into the shower. I cranked the water up as hot as I could stand it and scrubbed until I was sure I'd eradicated any and all traces of Hanta virus, mange, rabies or whatever had transformed the poor creature from "alive and kicking" to "deceased and falling out of trees onto innocent pedestrians" from my person.
To make matters worse, that night Boy Wonder brought home a note saying someone in his class has head lice. I may never feel completely clean or stop itching within the confines of this lifetime.
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Haiku Fairy Sprinkled Poem Dust Up In Here
Im sick once again
Toxic sinus cavities
Pestilence abounds
Micro exam in
t minus two days. I think
I can learn this stuff.
Microbes. Kingdoms. E
Coli. Norovirus. Is
it odd that I'm sick?
First nursing test
Got a ninety-eight percent
Practically perfect!
Vapid co-worker
Thinks she's smarter than she is
Hooter's girl next year?
Your children scare me
Not quite sure what happened but
They're special snowflakes
Shudder! Don't make me
look at more pictures now
I'm ill and fragile.
Oh Boy Wonder
You are so thirteen it hurts
Fourteen-come soon. PLEASE.
Orange cat. Buzz cut.
Bonjour, Fifi! Says I, and
you seem contented.
Toxic sinus cavities
Pestilence abounds
Micro exam in
t minus two days. I think
I can learn this stuff.
Microbes. Kingdoms. E
Coli. Norovirus. Is
it odd that I'm sick?
First nursing test
Got a ninety-eight percent
Practically perfect!
Vapid co-worker
Thinks she's smarter than she is
Hooter's girl next year?
Your children scare me
Not quite sure what happened but
They're special snowflakes
Shudder! Don't make me
look at more pictures now
I'm ill and fragile.
Oh Boy Wonder
You are so thirteen it hurts
Fourteen-come soon. PLEASE.
Orange cat. Buzz cut.
Bonjour, Fifi! Says I, and
you seem contented.
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