I Did NOT NaBlowIt This Time!

Two whole months of uninterrupted posts from yours truly. Wow.

Who's gonna give me the parade?

Oh, and who wants to hear my turkey stories? :)

Correlation?

The health care industry is always hiring.

Wal-Mart is always hiring.

Coincidence? I think not.

Six Word Stories

Found Benjamin, happy danced, clothes-shopped.

Assisted a physician, learned something new.

Pumpkin cake from a coworker-yummy!

:)

Made Like A Turkey

And got totally stuffed. :)

Apparently, dropping your turkey on the floor when trying to cram it into a brining bag that is waaaaay too small for it has the added positive effect of tenderizing it, because my bird? Was out of this world. I've never had turkey as moist and juicy as mine was, and I'm not just tooting my own horn. Despite the disastrous start I had with the entire experiment, I'd recommend brining turkey to novices and Thanksgiving pros alike.

And is it just me, or does my pie look totally thrilled that we're about to eat it?



You guys are totally my favorite turkeys. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. :)

It's All For You, Damian!

The turkey I am brinig in preparation for tomorrow's feast:



Is actually the Antichrist:



I'd post something more substantial about my maiden voyage in turkey preparation, but first I need to finish mopping brine off my kitchen floor and weeping.

Mustn't forget the weeping.

Let's just say it was like this:



Except the water was sage green and I swore. A lot.

Scraping My Head Off Of The Pillow

After careful deliberation, I have arrived at the consensus that I am greater than the evil Norovirus and that I may just live another day. This fills me with happiness because I'm kind of fond of the whole living thing. As fond as I am of daisies, I have absolutely no urge to push them up anytime in the near future.

My turkey has been thawing since Thursday evening and it still feels kinda frosty. Then again, it weighs twenty pounds and looks as if it ate someone's toddler for sustenance in its lifetime, so I am really not surprised by that. Looks like Tom will get a soak in the sink overnight so I can brine him in the morning. I hear that flipping the dish drainer over the top of the submerged bird keeps nosey cats off of them nicely. I'll let you know if there's any truth to that statement, and if there isn't I am so posting a picture of whatever one was stupid enough to try and ride the Turkey Tornado. Especially if they get soaked in the process. Because let's face it, there's nothing more pathetic than a wet cat. Except maybe a wet stupid cat :)

I am so in love with this song I'm on the verge of going all fangirly and squee-ing:



I really wanted to post the official video, but embedding is disabled for that one. So if you want to see a really cool video for a great song, go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89V7hvEmSD8

I love Pink. But as an English major I steadfastly refuse to use an exclamation point in place of the "i" the way she does. It's not the proper spelling and henceforth makes my skin crawl. ::shudders::

After a conversation with a friend of mine who is in her second semester of the nursing program I begin in January, I am TERRIFIED to start school. I think some of the instructors drink the blood of the innocent to stay young and beautiful.

Well, maybe young.

Or possibly just alive.

Breathing and upright maybe?

I better shut up now before I end up scraping my karma off the soles of my Nikes.

Awful-Covered Awful With Awful-Flavored Sprinkles

The title is pretty much verbatim how I'm feeling today. The GI part of my illness has blessedly left the building, but exhaustion and vertigo have taken their place. I slept from the time I dropped Boy Wonder off at school this morning to the time I had to pick him up. Which was an hour later than normal because he has something called Power Hour where the kids can get homework help after school if they need it.

So yeah, that was my day. I slept from one to seven and then from eight to four. And quite honestly I could totally sleep again, and I might just do that after I hit the "publish post" button. :)

Question: What's Worse Than Falling on Your Face At Work?

Answer: Coming down with Norovirus at work, of course!

I'm lucky number five, and they're dropping like flies.

I'll write and comment when my belly's off of spin cycle and the room quits spinning.

::airkisses::

Inspiring Confidence-I Can Do That!

If by some chance you work in health care and you find yourself in need of something to build the confidence of a patient who isn't doing as well as they think they should be, don't do THIS the second you walk into their room to ambulate them for the first time after surgery.


moar funny pictures

'Cause for some reason, they won't want to let you touch them afterwards. :)

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I am a sick, sick woman for laughing at this:


marriedtothesea.com

Also, who decided I need to have at least one satanish shift per weekend? It's getting old fast. :(

Can Someone Hand Me The Skimmer? The Gene Pool Needs Cleaning Again.

This evening, I noticed that Boy Wonder was nearly out of cereal. I'm pretty sure there's a law in place stating you need to feed your child breakfast even if it means tromping outside in 20 below not factoring in a really wicked wind chill weather to provide him with something edible, so I went to my favorite grocery store to get him some.

It was surprisingly quiet for seven on a Thursday night, especially considering there's a holiday coming up. I'm going to attribute this to the fact that it was "My Great Flying Spaghetti Monster I can etch glass with my nipples!" cold outside. I may have mentioned that before, though.

The shopping trip itself was fairly unremarkable. I got Boy Wonder some Rice Krispies, and I picked up the things I needed to make these and this, which I plan to serve as pie in a crust made from crushed gingersnaps. I forgot a few things I need to prepare this stuff, but it's OK. My turkey weighs in at a whopping 20 pounds, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have at least a few days to thaw that sucker before I worry about giving him a Jacuzzi bath.

When my shopping was completed I actually managed to get a cashier's lane with no line, much to my delight. I started unloading my goodies and made small talk with the cashier and bagger while mentally patting myself on the back for managing to have a pleasant shopping experience.

And then the Stupids came and crashed my party.

They didn't look dumb, which made it even worse somehow.

While the cashier was ringing up my purchases, the Stupids decided to put their baby daughter on the conveyor belt (behind my eggs, I might add) and let her ride on it. When the clerk (wisely) asked if they thought that was safe for her, they said "She loves it!" My kid loves drinking Mountain Dew and playing video games for 4 hours straight, but that doesn't mean I let him do it. Because I am the parent and some things just aren't good for kids, even if they like them.

Anyhoodle, the Stupids got distracted by a gently blowing dust bunny or something shiny and pretty for a moment, and Baby Girl both sensed and seized the opportunity. She reached up and triumphantly knocked about a dozen snack-sized containers of Chex Mix off the top of the soda cooler, looking damned pleased with herself while she did it.

How did dad respond to his screw-up? By screaming at a one year old and slapping her hand so hard the whole store probably heard it. Mom just stood there. I guess that shiny thing really put her in her happy place or something.

They were allowed to breed, but I'm not allowed to taze idiots. Something just doiesn't seem fair about that.

It's So Cold Here

I ran into this guy on my way to the store:


more animals

I acted appropriately horrified and he allowed me to live another day. :)

I Don't Think Wendy Has a Cat

It's been kind of odd duck here at Casa De La Ambitious and Boy Wonder lately. Not necessarily in a bad way, more like "delightfully wacky and unexpected".

I have a new co-worker who has serious outside of the workplace friend potential. She's just as damn sick and twisted as I am, and I love it. Her way of introducing herself to me was "I'm Nurse K and I'm a demented soul with a black little heart". I just grinned and said "I think we'll get along just fine". I had the fun experience of working with her this weekend, and she was telling me stories about her father-in-law in between us dodging the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and hiding from the Fiery Rain of the Death (work sucked hard Friday night and I am grateful it's over until next Friday. Yeah...). He and her husband stopped by his aunt and uncle's house for some reason. Apparently the aunt and uncle are not well-loved and kind of odd, but not in the endearing way that she and I are. He came out of the house shaking his head and looking grim. When her husband asked him what wrong he said, "Well, Cousin's in a bad way...her vagina fell out. It don't look good".

Needless to say, every patient and personal mishap I encountered for the remainder of my weekend was due to a vagina falling out.

Whether they had one or not.

I'm still giggling about that. :)

Officially Graduated to the Grown-Up Table

I am far and away from what you'd call a festive person, but I do like Thanksgiving a lot. Any holiday with zero guilt attached to it and copious amounts of food and gratitude for the good stuff is pretty darn all right by me. I'm feeling a little bummed out right now because this year the Turkey Day crowd is going to be just a little smaller for my family. A couple of months ago if you'd asked who I thought wasn't going to be there, I'd have said Bubby or Grandma since uno-they're both eighty-eight and deux- they've each had MAJOR surgery within the past few months.

For those of you playing along at home, Bubby had an an aortic valve replacement in September and in July Granny had a strangulated bowel. Her subsequent surgery came with it's very own 10% survival rate. Aside from the off-the-hook HUGE scar running down Bub's chest you'd never know he had it cracked open two months ago. As for Granny-well we've decided that either Satan is frightened of her or that she's a Highlander. My family comes from sturdy, sturdy stock indeed.

Case Study Familial aside, we ARE down two kin at the Turkey Day dinner table but it's not the grandparents. My younger brother got an insanely great deal on his airline ticket livewire.com, so he is defecting to Brooklyn* for the holi-weekend. Have fun, little brother. I'll miss you muchly! My aunt will also be spending Gobble Day elsewhere. She recently met someone, and wants to spend it with him and his family. I'm trying to be happy for her, but it's hard.

Before you think I'm an ill-wishing asshole for not wanting my aunt to be happy with her new man, I'm going to add that her boyfriend is several years younger than I am.

And recently released from prison.

Because he shot someone. With a gun.

And ALMOST killed them, hence the early release.

Did I mention he was high on crack and drunk when this happened?

Ahem.

::digs toes in carpet, peeks out from under hair and wonders what her REAL family is like::

Anyhoodie, this recent turn of events has moved my MySpace status from "Mostly Useless" to "Somewhat Redeemed Unless It's A Bipolar Day Then All Bets Are Off" in the eyes of Grandma Damian. So when my mom wondered who was going to cook the turkey this year, I volunteered and impressed the old girl.

There's only one problem with this, home skillets-I have never prepared a whole, gutbag-inclusive, bones and all turkey before. Fortunateley, I managed to find resources to make Fanksgiving dinner in a Crock-Pot. I also found a little Pillsbury cookbooklet with blow-by-blow directions AND pictures of how to make a perfect bird. So if I do fail Picture Pages 101, I can get a teeny bird, slow-cook him, baste with butter and brown in the oven for 20 before I serve my family.

Or I could just make matar paneer and naan and announce we're doing authentic Indian cuisine as opposed to Native American inspired foodstuffs this year. :)

I'm sick of food-talk. Let's go look at the most brazilliant "Twilight" snark EVAR instead!

Dear oxymoronassoc and saint_renegade;

You are my newest BIFFFE's**. Friendship bracelets to follow post-haste.

Love and Kisses,

Missy




* No, no I'm not at all ridiculously jealous of his awesome trip. I white-knuckle things all the time. Haven't you noticed before?

** Best Internet Friends For-Fuckin'-Ever

"Behind the Music", Blondie Edition

Pretty much exactly what it's like to sleep in Mama Bear's bed:


more animals

You kind of get used to it after awhile. That or having 24 pounds of sleeping cat on my face has given me brain damage. :)

Like Being Simultaneously Flipped Off, Mooned and Blown a Raspberry by the Universe

My night at work for the win, Bob!

At least I'm over halfway done now.

Blast From the Past

When I checked my email before getting ready to do my weekend warrior shift at Ye Olde Hospital, I was pleasantly surprised to see that a girl I went to high school with (and actually liked) had friended me on Facebook. She's been happily married for just over a year and has relocated to the Twin Cities. E. has a chronic muscular disorder and has put up with more crap in her lifetime than any human deserves to, so to see her looking so incredibly happy thrills me to no end.

Now there are three people I'd like to meet or catch up with in that area-Shelli from "Shelli's Sentiments", Dana from "Green Duckies" and E. I think a road trip just might be in order once the snow quits flying. Which could translate to "sometime in August" around here. ;)

Full Moon Fever

My venture out into the wilds of the big-city bar scene last night was a hit and a miss. I'm honestly not sure whether I'd call the glass half-full or half-empty. Some things that were just kind of strange happened last night. I really do believe that people get weirder than usual around the time of a full moon. And if I didn't already think that, my karaoke adventure would have converted me. :)

Set list for karaoke last night:

I'm Outta Here-Shania Twain

Rehab-Amy Winehouse

La Isla Bonita-Madonna

I Kissed a Girl-Katy Perry

As always, I had a good time singing. I'm truly in my element when I'm on stage and singing my heart out. Too bad I didn't sound better, though. My throat started getting all scratchy and gross last night shortly after I got to the T.A.Vern, and it's still kinda oogy today. I'm hoping that's from an excess of secondhand cigarette smoke and not "Consumption Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo". One deathly illness per winter season is more than enough for me.

Things I Want More Than Air:



There are simply no words to describe the awesomeness of this demoralizer. If it weren't a physical impossibility, I'd totally ask despair.com to be my boyfriend. :)

Drain Bamage

I took an exam today in my anatomy class. It sucked very hard and it took nearly every ounce of self-control I possess to not not throw my hands up in the air halfway through the damn thing and start shrieking like a capuchin monkey hopped up on Red Bull and Pixy Stix.

If you are guessing it was difficult, you would be absolutely correct in your assumption.

So, instead of posting something with substance tonight, I plan to go out and have a few drinks and sing some really bad karaoke to exorcise any lingering demons from the mental stretching on the academic rack I received earlier today.

Anyone have any requests? :)

My Friends are all as Twisted as I Am

IM Conversation:

Ambitious Blonde: Amazingly enough, leaving the hanger in your fleece when you put it on doesn't work
Tim: U haz humor
Ambitious Blonde: I can haz cheezburger?
Tim: I'm hungery.. sounds good.
Ambitious Blonde: So am I, lol
Tim: So in the word of Cartman... "MAKE ME A PIE BITCH!" please....
Ambitious Blonde: Make your own pie, snail trail! I can has womens liberation
Tim: snail trail?
Ambitious Blonde: Its my new detractor. Doesn't it just sound awful?
Tim: Sadly... I have probably heard the term used more than 5 times in the last month.
Ambitious Blonde: Fuckers.....that's MY insult! ::shuffling off to demand royalties::
Tim: I'm hungery.. what sounds good?
Ambitious Blonde: Food, lol
Tim: Have to do lunch one of these days.. Then there is an excuse to go somewhere sitdown
Ambitious Blonde: I like that idea a lot
Tim: over due for a Friar tucks visit or something like that
Ambitious Blonde: Ummm HI do you want to torture me or is it just working out that way?
Tim: Just working that way.. It's simply an added bonus
Ambitious Blonde: Fine...grumps off kicking puppies::
Tim: Don't bruise the tender meat!
Ambitious Blonde: Just for that I'ma go change into boots
Tim: puppy kickin / fuck me type boots?
Ambitious Blonde: I am so blogging this

Proof I'm Going to Hell:


see more pwn and owned pictures

No passing "go" or double Benjamin collection, just all eternal damnation all the time...

Well-Needed Distraction

Between the horribly high patient acuity at my workplace, the exam I have on Wednesday the upcoming and much-dreaded panel interview for the "Pick Me, Please" tuition reimbursement program and holy carp did someone say CHRISTMAS I've been feeling a wee bit stressed lately.

If by "a wee bit stressed out" you mean me shrieking "I'ma cut you for looking at me cross-eyed, snail trail!" while rorating my head a full 360 and looking slightly unhinged.

This guy helped both my neck rotations and lowered my blood pressure, if only for a moment:



Dear Meg at Cute Overload,

You truly are a sweet, sweet treasure. Never change. Here's a friendship bracelet. Hope you like purple.

Love, Missy
:)

All I Want For Christmas and Stuff

Seeing as how we aren't even into the dang double-digit days of November and it's already snowed here, I know this isn't something that would be practical winter weather wear for Miss Gretchen of the North here, but DAMN! *


I WANT these.

Size nine, if you please. Black is fine because it matches everything. Oh and maybe a few new pairs of fishnets to go with, hmmm? I've been good this year. :)


* if I tried a bit harder, I bet I could have run on that particular sentence alllll the way to Californy.

Sometimes, I Steal From My Friends

I borrowed this meme from the always delightful and benevolent Queen Dana at "Green Duckies". It's all about books, which I love more than air, so I simply had to put my own spin on it. :)

What was the last book you bought? "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer. If you have lost all respect for me after reading that, I really don't blame you. I feel pretty dirty about it myself, and hope that sharing this with you lovely readers will be the first step in the healing process. Just typing that sentence was like being violated. This was also the last book I read that I truly hated. We're talking white-hot, burning intensity of a thousand STD's hated.

One word-Renesmee. (barfs) And if the tryndeigh baby name wasn't bad enough, the way she treated poor Jacob Black in the series...

I'm stopping myself from continuing this bent now before I go into full out emo PMS-tween mode and hate myself worse than I already do...


Name a book you have read MORE than once. "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood. I can't begin to tell you how powerfully this book affected me. I pick up something new from the story every time I re-read it. Any female who hasn't read this book may consider this an ungraded reading assignment. Your life will change for reading this book. Promise.


Has a book ever fundamentally changed the way you see life? "The Handmaid's Tale", "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" and "To Kill A Mockingbird" have all affected me profoundly in different ways.

How do you choose a book? (eg. by cover design and summary, recommendations or reviews) It sounds twee, but a book's cover is what attracts me to it initially. If the summary sounds interesting and the reviews inside are positive, that will seal the deal for me.


Do you prefer Fiction or Non-Fiction? I like both, but I go in jags. Right now I'm all "Non-Fiction or die! Raar!!"" ::throws the horns::

What’s more important in a novel - beautiful writing or a gripping plot? I believe they must comingle lovingly, like the peanut butter and chocolate in a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. If both elements aren't there, I am generally terribly disappointed by the book.

Most loved/memorable character (character/book). As an adult, the unnamed protagonist in "The Handmaid's Tale" and Scout from "To Kill a Mockingbird". When I was a child, I adored Anastasia from the like named series by Lois Lowry, "The Baby-Sitter's Club" by Ann M. Martin (I still read the fanfic for this series!) and "The Borrowers". I remember searching for the little people living in my house after reading the first book and being terribly disappointed about not finding any.


Which book or books can be found on your nightstand at the moment? "My A and P textbook, "Bright Lights, Cold Steel", "Just Here Trying to Save a Few Lives", my paper journal.


What was the last book you’ve read, and when was it? "Breaking (Fucking) Dawn" by Stephenie "She Sucks Goat Ass" Meyer. Can you tell I really loathed this book?

Have you ever given up on a book half way in? I simply cannot give up on a book once I have invested my time in starting it, although there have been times that I wish I would have. Like, say for example, when I began reading the "Twilight" series. Sigh. There's a bunch of hours of my time I ain't ever getting back. :(

I think tagging is of the antichrist, so steal this from me only if you want to. Make sure to leave me a comment if you do so I can stop by to say hello and compare answers.

How Loudly Do You Think Her Biological Clock is Ticking?

My new co-worker is a dear, sweet girl who is an absolute delight to work with. However, I fear she has too much time and money on her hands and that her dog is suffering for it.

Why do I suspect animal abuse? Seven words: Professionally photographed holiday-themed doggie costume portraits.

To say the dog looks suicidal in the most recent one would be a truly generous leap in an optimistic direction. Here's hoping she's pregnant soon and that the holiday costume portraits end with the dog. That or she has a girl-baby, because pink heart-printed tulle on a boychild seems unnecessarily cruel, even for me. ;)

Spleen-Ventage

Four names I have been called this week:

1. Socialist: Not very creative. Seriously, some days I've heard it twice before breakfast.

2. Liberal hippie scum: I showered recently, thanks. And I find being considered a liberal hippie kinda flattering. So two-thirds thank you!

3. Ni**er-fucking whore:I got this little gem whinged at me from an ex-boyfriend. Duder, you did me so what's that say about your taste in the luh-zadies, hmmm?* Sticks and stones, sticks and stones....

4. Baby-killing terrorist supporter: Yes, I have an absolute passel of them camping in my basement waiting to overthrow the country. Terrorists that is. The babies are in the freezer, waiting to be baked into a tasty, tasty pot pie. Mmmmm, babies....

I shouldn't really be surprised about hearing opposing political views. I live in one of the reddest counties in Wisconsin, so discussion gets pretty lively for me around here during election time. What DOES surprise me is that I heard some of these things from people I really wouldn't have expected to hear them from.

I really don't care if you like who I voted for or not. It was my vote to do with as I chose, and I opted to utilize it to elect our new president. I am thrilled that Senator Obama will be in office soon, and if anything I wish I would have had more time to campaign for him.

You don't have to agree with me, and you really don't need to do is call me names. Your decision may not have been one I mutually shared, but I'm not going to call you names for it or belittle you like one of the mean girls in high school.

Change begins with the person in the mirror. I can't alter anyone's beliefs or attitude but my own, and starting today I am. My inspiration for this change in mindset comes from a truly unlikely source. Senator McCain was incredibly gracious in his concession speech and I admire him for the dignity he displayed, so I am taking a page from his book.

I don't want to fight with anyone anymore. I am so over trying to argue with people it isn't even funny. Trying to change people's minds makes about as much sense and accomplishes nearly as much as teaching a pig to whistle. Dischord makes my heart feel heavy, and quite frankly I see enough of that when the war in Iraq is mentioned on the news or in the paper. I'd much rather agree to disagree with you, put aside our differences and work together side by side so we can make our country truly united on all fronts.

I firmly believe that if we work together as a united front, we can accomplish truly great things. This little dove is reaching across party lines and offering you an olive branch, my Republican brethren and sistren. How about accepting it with a smile and taking her hand instead of poking her in the eye with it?





* What does that say about my taste in men? Ewwwww. I had relations with a racist!

Day the Next

Picture pages, picture pages, my blog post is picture pages...



I'va always been a fiercely democratic political beast. I thank my Bubby for that particular personality trait. He told me what a Democrat was before I was fully toilet-trained, and it remains one of my favorite childhood memories.

Why yes, I am fully aware that I'm weird. But so is Zooey Deschanel, and she's smokin' hot. :)

I tried really hard to articulate how fantastically hopeful and positive I'm feeling today both here on my blog and in my paper journal, but words are failing me right now. This is a not entirely inaccurate photographic representation of my mental state right now:



Yeah, that's even weirder than Zooey Deschanel, isn't it? Probably not as hot either.

I really wanted something deep and meaningful to flow from my fingertips to paper about what I feel about President Obama yet nothing has come, other than a silly little wordplay doodled immediately after I heard McCain conceded. I'll share the extent of my artistic skills with you beautiful people, simply because I have nothing better for now.



Yes he did!

Eleven-Four-Oh-Eight

The most important thing I'll do today:



My new official title, courtesy of "Married to the Sea":



That's MISS latte-sipping libertine to YOU! :)

And Sometimes I Hear my Voice, I Hear my Voice...

So far this political season, I have encouraged five previously unregistered voters to register so they can go out and cast their ballot for the first time tomorrow. If I am lucky, I will convince five more on Election Day when I go out to phone bank, pavement pound and talk the ears off of anyone who will listen to me about the importance of voting in this election.

Sarcasm as a teaching tool:



Hope IS audacious. Love IS powerful. Together, we CAN make a difference.

I choose to use my voice. Tomorrow, November 4th of the year 2008, I hope you will too.

Confused, Puzzled and Perplexed

I have two major papers to write for the anatomy class I'm taking this semester. One is a reflection paper about an organ or body system. That one is fairly easy and self-explanatory. I finished my outline in a fit of industry a few days ago and only need to type it up to be finished.

However, I also need something the professor refers to as a "cadaver report". The only guidelines we received for the paper is that it needs to be between 3 and 5 pages long.

Ummm, three and five pages of what? Please to enlighten, O Wise One.

Any ideas on what I can say about my dead guy? Other than that he stinks and kind of looks like McCain?

Congratulations are in Order

Holy boogers, Batman! Natalie and Drew had a baby!

I didn't even know she was pregnant. But then again, judging from the blog post I linked up theah, neither did the rest of the internets.

They named her Nona. NONA! I love it. :)

She's really a gorgeous girl. Go see for yourself.

My betraying uterus is all asplodey now. Any of you within driving distance with something baby-esque I can cuddle and sniff for awhile to get that shizz out of my system? ;)